Why foster parenting is like The Bachelor

Foster parenting can be pretty isolating because you aren't suppose to talk about much. We have been a family of five for over a year now. I think at this point I am a professional at waiting and dealing with the unknown. I didn't say I was good at it, just that if there is a degree in it, I'm getting closer to having it.

I tried to compare foster parenting to The Bachelor (one of my guilty pleasures!). Jimmy didn't quite see it, but there are some commonalities, just no hot tubs nor any free flowing alcohol. First of all, you don't really have the whole story. We deal with poor communication from all parties involved. I feel like a detective some days trying to piece things together to figure out what is really going on. I wish I could elaborate and give examples because you would laugh. You can't make this stuff up! Second, I guard my feelings. A lot. The Bachelor doesn't usually say the I.LOVE.YOU until the last show and the girls are left guessing where they stand with the guy. While I do use the I.LOVE.YOU, I am cautious with what I say about other topics, like permanency (guardianship or adoption) and a child's family. It is so important to support her and her family as best as possible, but also help her through disappointments and heart ache. It is a weird and hard balance. Around the seven month mark, I finally said "Listen, I don't know what the future holds, but we are going to stop living like everything is a "wait and see". We are going to talk about next month and the month after that and the holidays and plan that you will be with us. I am not doing that to make you feel stuck here, but I want you to be able to plan things, look forward to things and not constantly be tied to timelines that keep getting extended." While we haven't been to Thailand or any other exotic location to do crazy dates/bonding like the Bachelor, we have gotten to do some pretty sweet first experiences with our kiddo... first plane ride, first beach trip, first boat ride, first tube ride, first go kart ride... and the list goes on. Such a sweet part of this experience for both her and us!

So we have gotten used to life as a family of 5. Sammy's getting excited for tball this spring and kindergarten this fall. Andy is talking up a storm and thinks he is 5 like Sammy. I am learning how to balance parenting little ones and a teenager- two very different stages of life! We are gearing up for her to enter high school in the fall. Lord, help me.

Foster parenting a teen has been more humbling than anticipated. I have messed up a lot and I have learned that the same parenting approach that worked for my parents or that works with the boys, isn't so successful as a foster parent. SO, it was back to the drawing board. We have gone to several conferences/trainings dealing with Karen Purvis' Connected Child / Trust Based Relationship Intervention stuff and that has been helpful- light bulbs turned on! I have to be more patient, graceful and humble in order to parent in a way that builds trust, a relationship while still setting boundaries and standards. There was no birth-12 experience to build up that love/trust to fall back on in tricky teenage moments and sometimes that is a painful obstacle.

The unknown is still annoying. Sometimes I feel like Abraham and Isaac- being asked to hold on loosely to someone I love, trusting the One who created her with her future and not knowing if His plans include her being in our lives long term or not. My mother's instinct is to hold on tightly, fiercely. Right now, however, that doesn't help her or me. It's complicated. I thought in March we were going to have a decision, a plan, but it isn't quite as clear as I'd anticipated. We are back to taking things one day at a time, with lots of unknowns. I have to repeatedly let go of my expectations and put my trust in the One who is writing this story!

STUCK

And the blog is back...

... because sometimes I have more to say than a Facebook post can handle. :)

Saturday night Jimmy and I went and saw Stuck, the documentary discussing issues making international adoptions more difficult in the past five years. Here is the trailer:

It is a fabulous film- very well done. Since 2008, which was the year we brought Sammy home, international adoptions have dropped by 60%! I know that there are not less people interested in adoption and I know that there are not less children in need of forever homes. So what breaks my heart, and what the movie painfully illustrated, is that this just means more kiddos are sitting in institutions and aging out. The film shows how both the US government and those abroad have made the process expensive and cumbersome. The result has been less kiddos being adopted and some countries closing their doors to adoption because they cannot meet the requirements sent forth by the Hague Treaty, which was originally designed to increase international adoptions. If you want to see this movie here or if you are local, we can lend you a copy. We bought a few to share.

When I was in Guatemala in 2008 for eight months during Sammy's adoption, I saw a lot. I remember thinking "I can't un-see this. I am now responsible for what I know." This day was one of many life-changing days that year. Watching the documentary on Saturday, I again thought "I can't un-see this. I can't un-know this." I knew that there had been some countries closed and that adoptions were down, but seeing it all spelled out was heart-breaking.

Children cannot advocate well for themselves. Our lawmakers are not advocating well for these children either. Please help us make some noise and get the attention of our lawmakers in DC and the international community. The easiest way to do that is to sign this petition. The goal is one million signatures by mid-May and they have a long way to go. It's easy and quick to sign online- please do so and forward to your friends/family. If you are led to get more involved, you can write your congressmen/women. And OF COURSE, you can always get involved by adopting a kiddo. While the process is not easy, the need is great.

Since the Stuck documentary addresses international adoption, I know there are some thinking "There are so many kids in the U.S. who need homes, too! Why don't we advocate for them?" Well, we should advocate for them, too. And it is true that there is great need in our own communities as well. As a family who has adopted internationally and is a foster parent, I can see the great need both places. However, it is also true that the damage done in the horrific conditions in many international orphanages/institutions can sometimes make the US foster system look luxurious. We all have different callings and I think our energy is better spent supporting those who are getting involved with kids in need than criticizing the how or where it happens. Kids need help- kids in our backyards and kids around the world.

I think often our biggest issue (me included) is our fear of doing something uncomfortable, messy or out of our control. I know lots of people also use the fear of how adoption/fostering might impact their current children. This fear is one we have discussed often as foster parents. However, I believe God calls us to things sometimes that require my whole family to sacrifice. We are all learning a lot and I can see God molding my boys and teaching them compassion and selflessness as we as a family serve. Some days they throw fits and I know it is because they are jealous or didn't get as much attention as they wanted in a certain moment, but we are ok. I don't want my fear to cause us to miss out on some incredible blessings!

Like I said, way too much to say for a FB post today.

Another post coming with some updates on our family's story for anyone interested...

Samuel

Lately Samuel has been amazing me- in both good and bad ways! His strong will continues to be a challenge... when told to go to timeout, he likes to reply "No, YOU go to time out! I don't like you!" And sometimes I want to say "PLEASE! Please, send me to time out where I can't do anything and no one can bother me!" So we keep working on this.

We have had some interesting conversations recently. This week he told me he wants to have or adopt a younger brother/sister. He has been saying lately that he is sad that he isn't bigger than C. Jimmy is worried that all of his fears about birth order are coming in to play. I am not sure that I totally buy into it all- is Samuel going to be messed up because we have a child of the opposite gender eight years older than him in the family for now? I had been campaigning that it wasn't a big issue, but his questions surprised me.

Since C moved in, Samuel has been quick to tell her that he loves her and that she is beautiful. I think it is one way God is showing her His lavish love- through a little five year old. It would be awkward for her if I said that to her as often as Sammy does, but he just keeps at it with his disarming innocence. This week he said "C, my heart loves your heart." I about melted. We have been discussing how you love people for their heart- not what they look like or what they have or what they do.

That's all from here- happy Labor Day!