I Should Be Icing Cupcakes

Tomorrow ends a week of 5th birthday celebrations for Sammy. We do birthdays well around here. We had an extended family get together last week, pizza dinner on his actual birthday, Grandma Mary and cousins in town this weekend and a little friend get together tomorrow. On top of which, my classes started, so it has been a long, full, but good week. I should be icing cupcakes, but instead I'm on the computer ensuring that I stay up later than I should. Tonight I have some ugliness to process.

I read this blog post on adoption this week and there was one quote that helped my square my shoulders and continue on. It said this:

"Put Feelings on a back-burner. This is not the time for Feelings. If you could express your feelings right now, you’d be saying things like, “Oh my God, I must have lost my mind to think that I can handle this, to think that I wanted a child like this. I’ll never manage to raise this child; I’m way way way way over my head. I’ll never spend time with my spouse or friends again; my older children are going to waste away in profound neglect; my career is finished. I am completely and utterly trapped.” You see? What’s the point of expressing all that right now? Put Feelings in the deep freeze. Live a material life instead: wake, dress, eat, walk. Let your hands and words mother the new child, don’t pause to look back, to reflect, or to experience emotions. “Shut up, Emotions,” you’ll say. “I’ll check back with you in six months to see if you’ve pulled yourselves together. But no whining meanwhile!”

Although we aren't adopting, this paragraph encouraged me. Sometimes my feelings lead me astray. I start having doubts - "Lord, did I hear you right? Is this really worth it? Am I ever going to have a conversation with my husband where one of us isn't falling asleep? Is Sammy being corrupted because he knows the lyrics to a Rhianna song? Can I handle one more interaction where I am giving/doing/saying kind things and I get coldness in response? I am going to blow up!" It hasn't been pretty. The emotional fortitude required in parenting preteens is intense. I find myself more impatient with the boys than I should be, largely because I'm using a lot of patience with C. or I'm frustrated that I haven't had any time with Jimmy. And let's be even more honest... some days it is hard to love a child well who doesn't respond much or give any outward signs that she cares and is probably going home at some point.

BUT. There is always a but. I have these little moments... like on the way home from church when all THREE kiddos were singing Chris Tomlin's song "Our God" in the backseat (ok, Andy doesn't qualify as singing, but he was making noise along with the music)... or when via text message C shares something REAL that is on her heart and lets me "in" to her head/heart for a moment... or when C found out that she made a lead part in the school musical! She is SUPER excited and told me she is glad I encouraged her to try out (and by encourage I mean that she said she didn't like the music and wasn't doing it and I gave her a long, annoying lecture about trying new things and meeting new people and she was ticked, but got over it and decided to try out!). The grammar in this paragraph is atrocious, but my point is that I am thankful for these little moments. I am holding on to them because they remind me that God's story for my life is good... even when I am not sure what to do with all of the plot twists!

OK, back to cupcakes!!

School days

This year was my first experience getting a child off to school. I have been on the other side a lot- worked schedule pick up, prepped my classroom, smelled that "first day of school clean" (before it starts smelling like stinky boys after gym class!). But this was my first year to buy school supplies, school clothes, stand in lines for schedule pick-up, etc. I was in awe of the amount of money it takes to go to free, public school. School supplies, backpack, yearbook, lunch $ (and C gets free lunch... but she needs snack bar money, too, right?), planner, gym clothes, orchestra music... and the list goes on! We tried to make "back to school" a big deal- dinner out, waffles for breakfast, pictures- the whole nine yards. I want her to see the value of education and to keep it fun! I think C had a good first week of school. Jimmy and I are both talkers and she isn't as much. I want to hear every detail of the day, but try not to pepper her with too many questions :).

The boys are not doing any kind of preschool. I agonized over this decision, but since I'm continuing to teach Tu/Th afternoons, they will have time with our fabulous nanny/sitter. I don't want to send them anywhere on M/W since those are the days we'll have to be home together and on Fridays we are doing a little homeschool cohort group. It's a bit of an experiment with a bunch of first time homeschooling moms. Most of the moms have kindergarteners or kids like Sammy, who just missed the kindergarten cutoff. So, I'm not saying we are homeschooling forever, but we're going to dabble in it this year and I'm excited about it.

However, I'm also super happy to have the opportunity to continue teaching part time. I went up to school to do some paperwork and had pangs of regret about giving up my full time position. I know it is the right thing, but wow, I really do love a lot of things about that place.

After court we have heard nothing else about the case. The lack of communication is one of the most frustrating parts of the foster care system- lack of communication with the foster parents and between all of the other entities. As I said before, we take it one day at a time!

Court

We head back to court tomorrow. I am nervous, although I know that C will stay with us for now. This is basically a "case review". They will set another court date for three months down the road and unless a family member pushes for custody sooner, C will be here. Court still makes me nervous because it can be intimidating and awkward. It is also frustrating because as a foster parent, I feel like I have little control. Not just "feel like", it's the reality. There are so many people involved- therapists, case workers, GAL, judge, parent aid- and they all get input into the case. I, however, do not. There is an optional foster parent form you can fill out to submit to court and that is about it.

In all of our training, we learned that the family is always given preference and that reunification is the goal. At first I was bothered by how many chances the court gives to the families of children in foster care, but I understand it. To take away parental rights is a HUGE deal and the court has to be darn sure that termination of parental rights is in the best interest of the child. I think that too many chances are given, but I understand that kids love their parents- regardless of what they have been through- just because they are their parents. It is just hard to cheer lead the parents/family sometimes.

So, I'm having a week of not being able to "let go and let God" with all of this. Some days, we are just family. I can go a few days without thinking about court, case workers, etc., and just enjoy hearing my boys and C laugh (or hearing my boys annoy C, which is more likely the case!). Then there are weeks like this when it seems full of appointments and unknowns and I am consumed. Thankfully school starts next week for C and my classes the week after, so the return to routine will be good and a good distraction!

Hello, August

I can't believe that August is already here. The summer has flown. On the last day of school for C, foster daughter, I was nervous about what we'd do all summer and now it is almost over.

I said before that I started blogging again to share our fostering experience, to help me process and to hopefully demystify or take some of the "scary" out of foster parenting for those who might be considering it. We are four months in to this placement and I find that there are things I want to share that I probably shouldn't in this very public forum. I have written drafts of posts a couple of times and then my hubby says "You can't publish that!" I have followed the rules about not posting pictures or not sharing specifics about her case. However, I'm finding that four months in to this placement, there are things I'd love to share about what I'm learning and how things are going in our home, but can't out of respect to her and her family. Anyways, I am going to continue writing, but going to make the blog private. I hope to eventually give her excerpts of what I've written as an encouragement to her- a record of this incredibly challenging time in her life. If you want to follow along, let me know and I'll add you to the reader list. I know that means you'd actually have to go to the blog and not just look at it in Reader. No pressure, because quite honestly, I probably wouldn't have the time (or remember!) to do that! I will probably resurface to the public blog world when we know more about the case or when we are done with this placement.

Thanks, all!

P.S. Thanks for all of the fun postcards that keep coming in- we have NY, California, Colorado, New Jersey, Illinois, South Dakota, Louisiana and probably some others I'm forgetting. On our way to the lake this week, Samuel kept asking me what city and state we were in... he is still a little fuzzy on the difference between city, state and country, but this project has him thinking! Thanks again!