CD in the news...

THIS article should be concerning, sobering and a wake up call to us as members of the Jackson County community.

I can say that none of it was a surprise, as we have felt firsthand the effects of the turnover and other issues discussed in the article. We have had multiple workers this past year for one child. Our current worker has been with Children's Division (CD) a short time and is working her tail off- a great young lady, but she lacks experience and background knowledge of CD and our case.

I think the bigger issue is this... as a community we have expected a broken government system to take care of our kids. It is not working well- and I don't think we can point fingers or even be surprised that it isn't working. As members of the community, we need to take ownership that these hurting kids and families are OURS. Personally, my faith in Jesus holds me even more responsible because His word calls me to take care of those in need. And because of my faith, I have hope! I know that He is bigger than a flawed system and still in the business of restoring, redeeming and loving hurting kids/families.

Bottom line... there are kids in our own backyards who need loving foster families. Despite the issues with the "system", if kids have good foster families who advocate for them, they can be mostly protected from the brokenness of the system. I think many more families should consider fostering! Let me be direct- just like you are never completely ready/prepared to be a biological parent or to get married, you are never going to have a season of life when you are totally "ready" to be a foster parent. There will always be something going on in life that makes it a challenge, but "busyness" can't keep us from even considering it. Fostering isn't for everyone- again, being honest- it takes great emotional fortitude, involves sacrifice and impacts the existing family dynamic. Recently someone said "It's awesome that you are a foster parent. I always wanted to do something like that, but it hasn't been in my plans." I laughed and thought "Well, this wasn't exactly in my plans either!" However, there has been a lot of freedom in letting my little life and plans be "interrupted" and jumping in to this messy, hard and unbelievably awesome foster parenting experience.

End of foster parenting pitch of the month :)

On a more personal note- for those wondering about what's going on with the kiddo in our home, here's the update! With our kiddo being older and all of the Children's Division rules, we haven't been able to share as much as I would have liked. It's been about 18 months of life as a family of five. Our kiddo is doing wonderfully and we adore her. After lots of ups and downs, we are moving down the path of becoming guardians. What does that mean? Well, when the court rules that reunification with family isn't possible, they look for a permanent option, which in this case is guardianship. When that happens, we will be done with Children's Division (insert the happy dance here), but it isn't quite as final as adoption. For many reasons, adoption isn't an option in this case and we are fine with that. We feel blessed to have a third kiddo who will most likely be with us long term. We will still have contact with her family/siblings and that has grown to be a comfortable situation and what is best for her. We are still waiting for it to all be final and official, so we are still holding our breath some, but we are far enough down the road that we can finally say we are moving in that direction. When it is final, I will be the obnoxious person posting 18 months worth of pictures on Facebook to make up for lost time!

Hands Still Up

The last month has been hectic as we moved into a new house. The move wasn't as smooth as we'd hoped as the closing was pushed due to some issues with the buyers' (of our previous home) paperwork. But we are here! The new house is starting to feel like HOME. We have met the neighbors, I can find dishes and we have painted ONE room (there are lots of pastels in this house and I'm not really a pastel kind of girl). We also had some out of town trips, VBS, hosted my mom's SURPRISE 60th birthday party, Father's Day, end of school- whew. It has been an intense, but very FUN month.

In the foster parent arena, things have been relatively quiet. Lots of waiting- have we heard this before or what?! I am constantly amazed at the turmoil in the Children's Division- SO much turnover in staff, so many changes. If we were not good advocates, it could be a scary scenario. There are so many moving parts and I have had to stay on top of all of the people we interact with in order to have follow through.

Lately foster parenting reminds me of the story of Moses in Exodus 17... the story where he stands overlooking the battle and puts his hands up and as long as his hands are up, the Israelites are winning. He gets tired and his buddies come and help him sit down, yet still hold his hands up. It was an act of faith, strength, surrender and endurance. I would say that about sums up the posture I need to be a good foster mom these days. It can get lonely and I am SO thankful for the community around us that has "held our hands up" the past year. Maybe I said this before, but as a mom, the challenging part for me is growing so close to a child, but still recognizing that I'm not her mom and leaving the space/freedom for her to maintain that bond with her mom and family. I keep saying that we hold onto her loosely, acknowledging that while we see her as part of our family, she also has incredible bonds with her family with which we cannot compete nor replace (and don't want to!). My protective mom instincts want to say "She's mine! I will take out anyone who hurts her!" However the reality is that she is not "mine" in the traditional sense and there are some painful realities that I cannot spare her from walking through. Some days, it is all pretty draining and I want to curl up and hide out, but we take it one day at a time.

I've been reading this blog lately. It's a popular one, so I'm sure lots of people have heard of her. I just ordered her book :). It is always a good reminder that people in general all are called to do or walk through hard things at some point. I love how she keeps it simple- says things like "show up, be brave and kind and focus up." When overwhelmed with doing it all "right" in a tough situation, that is good perspective.

Mothers Day

Today was a great day.

Jimmy ensured I got to do lots of little things that he knows are now BIG things since we have three kids. I slept in for 30 minutes (it could have been longer, but my brain wouldn't shut off). I went to the bathroom alone and showered without having to holler out the shower door "Quit taking toys from your brother!" I skipped church and packed/cleaned alone (which I enjoyed!). Love my family, but once in awhile some solitude is refreshing. I got a quick pedicure and then everyone was home. Jimmy and Sammy cleaned my car- huge act of love! The boys and C and got me flowers. We packed more and are in good shape for moving. We had dinner with my parents, brother and grandparents. I am tired, but so incredibly grateful.

Funny moment from the day included Sammy chatting on to my dad and grandparents about how he has two dads and two moms because he has biological parents and us. He has been telling lots of random people this lately. I was a little worried my family wouldn't know how to respond, but I was in the other room, so I just listened. Thankfully my dad's response was great "Isn't it how cool how many people love you?" I am hoping that the openness with which he discusses this is an indication of his security with the topic. :)

Another sweet moment included Sammy and then C doing "performances" for us at my parents' house. She taught Sammy part of the song "We are" from Ice Age. I know that in no way can we replace or fully be her family, but we are thankful for privilege to be her support. She told me she learned the lyrics to the song to sing today. Maybe I'm being over emotional, but I think she has moments of really understanding that we try our best to support her without threatening who she is or her ties to her family. At least for today, she seems to get and appreciate it, and that is awesome! We'll mark this day down as a foster parenting HIGH.

Here are the lyrics:

We are, we are

Not your ordinary family

But we can all agree that

We are, we are

Close as close can be

So it don't matter what it looks like

We look perfect to me

We got every kind of lover

We're so lucky indeed

They can keep on talking

It don't matter to me cause

We are, we are family

Mi casa es su casa

SI DIOS QUIERE (Lord willing!), it is the last weekend in our home and we move this week! I have been waiting for something to go wrong, so I don't think it hit me until tonight that this time next week, I really could be in our new house. Our house sold after 48 hours on the market. We put an offer on a new house two days after that and so far the inspections, appraisals and paperwork have been smooth. We are thankful for God's favor.

Tonight I slowed down enough to feel a little sentimental about leaving this house. We haven't been here very long- just 3.5 years. We moved in a year after Sammy came home from Guatemala. We have been spoiled by our big back yard and access to a quiet park with a great creek- all things little boys (and Jimmy) love.

This is the house where we signed up to be foster parents. Our licensing worker came out to do initial visits for the home study when we were in house renovation mode. One visit had us sitting at the kitchen table, which was stuck in the living room along with all of the other kitchen and living room furniture. She had to tour the house and was kindly not too phased that the toilet was in the bathtub due to a tiling project. And they licensed us despite the mess :).

This is the house where we got our first two placements- two boys for just 10 days and then a newborn (who Jimmy picked up at the hospital while I was out of town!).

This is also the house where I cried out to God with a broken and very frustrated heart in the summer of 2010. You see, Sammy had been home almost two years and we were settled in. We felt called to foster care and had our first precious infant placement. I knew she was going home to her parents (and did after 8 weeks). I just felt whiny. I was tired from getting up at night from her, I wanted to grow our family, but felt no clarity or confirmation on how God would do that. I remember praying, crying, feeling quite sorry for myself and asking God what He was up to with our family. A couple of weeks later, it was very clear! This house is also where I miraculously became pregnant with Andy. The whole pregnancy I just kept expecting something to go wrong. During delivery when his heart rate kept dipping, I thought "This is it. He isn't going to make it. I knew it was too good to be true!" But he did make it! And this house is also where my second miracle son came home!

This house is also where God brought us together with our current foster daughter. The past year has been a roller coaster for her and for us, but I can't imagine life without her.

This house is also full of many other memories- lots of time spent with good friends and family- play dates, fall parties, Christmas mornings, etc. Barring any paperwork glitches, we move on to a new chapter next week. I'm excited to see what God has in store. Our new house has 4 bedrooms and we are debating keeping the boys together in a room or giving them their own rooms. Currently Jimmy is campaigning to separate them. I think he is just worried that with a bedroom sitting empty, I will want to fill it with another child :).

Now back to packing!

Part 2 to my FB PSA

Last week, I posted this on Facebook as sort of a Public Service Announcement:

Sometimes I want to offer some adoption sensitivity lessons, and I don't say that to sound mean or judgmental. I probably would have said the same things six years ago. So here is the lesson for the day :)... While at kindergarten screening, I was visiting with a teacher and she said "Sammy says he is from Guatemala" and I said yes. Then with Sammy and Andy right there, she looks at Andy and says "Now is this one yours?" The better question is "Is he your biological child?" All my kiddos are "mine" :), regardless of how they came to our family. End of lesson for today :)

The comments got me thinking, so this is sort of follow up to that post.

There are lots of situations where, unless one has been through a similar circumstance, it is easy to offend or be insensitive even with best intentions. I am always relieved when someone kindly gives me insight or isn't hypersensitive to my ignorance. So again, I don't expect that people who haven't been down the adoption or foster care road to understand the vocabulary or experience, but I sure do appreciate those who try.

There was a part 2 to my conversation with the teacher on Monday. This precious, highly effective teacher just wasn't sure how to respond to me! In our conversation, my foster daughter came up as well. I mentioned that she is 13 and the teacher's eyes got wide and she made a comment about how difficult that must be for my boys. Then she followed it up with how the kids must be "blessed." This type of comment always makes me smile because my kids are KIDS and I'm pretty sure they don't walk around with angelic smiles continually thinking how great I am (maybe just once in awhile, if I'm lucky!). The other part of our conversation that I've been thinking about was the look of fear that shot through her eyes when I talked about foster care. I don't know if it was foster care in general or that our foster daughter is older. I hate that there is so much fear about being involved with foster care. Let's be honest, the system is messy and I don't think foster care is an easy route to trying to adopt a baby, if that is one's goal. HOWEVER, there are some really cool things about being involved with foster care and it makes me sad that people have negative or fearful thoughts about the kids and the foster parent job.

So let's talk foster care for a minute...

This has been brewing in my mind and isn't very PC of me, so forgive me. I have sat through a lot of foster care training classes at this point. You have to do a ton to get licensed and then you have to do some more every year to maintain your license. We get to meet other foster parents. I've met single foster parents, homosexual foster parents, older foster parents and younger foster parents- different colors and different parts of the county- urban, suburban and rural. The one piece of the demographics that bothers me is this...from observations of people in class and from what is posted on the MFCAA "loop" (it's an email group for any foster parents in the counties around KC), it is mainly middle class- probably lower middle class- families who are serving as foster parents. SO here is my question... where are the upper middle class and upper class families? I'm referring to income levels here. Is it that with more $, people are busier? I don't think that's it. Or are they more insulated/distracted from the need? I don't understand this. I am not saying that foster kids need wealthier families, rather, I'm saying that the wealthier families are missing out on an opportunity to serve their community and be greatly blessed. I'm just asking the question. When our current foster daughter moved in, I had another family (who knew her) comment that they wish they could have helped, but they weren't sure if they had the room. I totally understand that space can be an issue, but it made me smile a little because I later went to their home that was WAY bigger than the one we currently live in. I share this just to point out how easy it is to get stuck on a certain standard of living or make decisions based in fear.

Today, on the email loop I mentioned above, I read a couple of email looking for placements for kiddos. The kids are from RIGHT HERE in my community- Blue Springs, Independence. Then I got a call asking us to take in another kiddo from the local middle school. The poor worker was trying like crazy to keep the kiddo in a place where she can stay at her school. Kids are hurting and there is great need for families willing to embrace both the challenges and blessings of foster care!

Why foster parenting is like The Bachelor

Foster parenting can be pretty isolating because you aren't suppose to talk about much. We have been a family of five for over a year now. I think at this point I am a professional at waiting and dealing with the unknown. I didn't say I was good at it, just that if there is a degree in it, I'm getting closer to having it.

I tried to compare foster parenting to The Bachelor (one of my guilty pleasures!). Jimmy didn't quite see it, but there are some commonalities, just no hot tubs nor any free flowing alcohol. First of all, you don't really have the whole story. We deal with poor communication from all parties involved. I feel like a detective some days trying to piece things together to figure out what is really going on. I wish I could elaborate and give examples because you would laugh. You can't make this stuff up! Second, I guard my feelings. A lot. The Bachelor doesn't usually say the I.LOVE.YOU until the last show and the girls are left guessing where they stand with the guy. While I do use the I.LOVE.YOU, I am cautious with what I say about other topics, like permanency (guardianship or adoption) and a child's family. It is so important to support her and her family as best as possible, but also help her through disappointments and heart ache. It is a weird and hard balance. Around the seven month mark, I finally said "Listen, I don't know what the future holds, but we are going to stop living like everything is a "wait and see". We are going to talk about next month and the month after that and the holidays and plan that you will be with us. I am not doing that to make you feel stuck here, but I want you to be able to plan things, look forward to things and not constantly be tied to timelines that keep getting extended." While we haven't been to Thailand or any other exotic location to do crazy dates/bonding like the Bachelor, we have gotten to do some pretty sweet first experiences with our kiddo... first plane ride, first beach trip, first boat ride, first tube ride, first go kart ride... and the list goes on. Such a sweet part of this experience for both her and us!

So we have gotten used to life as a family of 5. Sammy's getting excited for tball this spring and kindergarten this fall. Andy is talking up a storm and thinks he is 5 like Sammy. I am learning how to balance parenting little ones and a teenager- two very different stages of life! We are gearing up for her to enter high school in the fall. Lord, help me.

Foster parenting a teen has been more humbling than anticipated. I have messed up a lot and I have learned that the same parenting approach that worked for my parents or that works with the boys, isn't so successful as a foster parent. SO, it was back to the drawing board. We have gone to several conferences/trainings dealing with Karen Purvis' Connected Child / Trust Based Relationship Intervention stuff and that has been helpful- light bulbs turned on! I have to be more patient, graceful and humble in order to parent in a way that builds trust, a relationship while still setting boundaries and standards. There was no birth-12 experience to build up that love/trust to fall back on in tricky teenage moments and sometimes that is a painful obstacle.

The unknown is still annoying. Sometimes I feel like Abraham and Isaac- being asked to hold on loosely to someone I love, trusting the One who created her with her future and not knowing if His plans include her being in our lives long term or not. My mother's instinct is to hold on tightly, fiercely. Right now, however, that doesn't help her or me. It's complicated. I thought in March we were going to have a decision, a plan, but it isn't quite as clear as I'd anticipated. We are back to taking things one day at a time, with lots of unknowns. I have to repeatedly let go of my expectations and put my trust in the One who is writing this story!

STUCK

And the blog is back...

... because sometimes I have more to say than a Facebook post can handle. :)

Saturday night Jimmy and I went and saw Stuck, the documentary discussing issues making international adoptions more difficult in the past five years. Here is the trailer:

It is a fabulous film- very well done. Since 2008, which was the year we brought Sammy home, international adoptions have dropped by 60%! I know that there are not less people interested in adoption and I know that there are not less children in need of forever homes. So what breaks my heart, and what the movie painfully illustrated, is that this just means more kiddos are sitting in institutions and aging out. The film shows how both the US government and those abroad have made the process expensive and cumbersome. The result has been less kiddos being adopted and some countries closing their doors to adoption because they cannot meet the requirements sent forth by the Hague Treaty, which was originally designed to increase international adoptions. If you want to see this movie here or if you are local, we can lend you a copy. We bought a few to share.

When I was in Guatemala in 2008 for eight months during Sammy's adoption, I saw a lot. I remember thinking "I can't un-see this. I am now responsible for what I know." This day was one of many life-changing days that year. Watching the documentary on Saturday, I again thought "I can't un-see this. I can't un-know this." I knew that there had been some countries closed and that adoptions were down, but seeing it all spelled out was heart-breaking.

Children cannot advocate well for themselves. Our lawmakers are not advocating well for these children either. Please help us make some noise and get the attention of our lawmakers in DC and the international community. The easiest way to do that is to sign this petition. The goal is one million signatures by mid-May and they have a long way to go. It's easy and quick to sign online- please do so and forward to your friends/family. If you are led to get more involved, you can write your congressmen/women. And OF COURSE, you can always get involved by adopting a kiddo. While the process is not easy, the need is great.

Since the Stuck documentary addresses international adoption, I know there are some thinking "There are so many kids in the U.S. who need homes, too! Why don't we advocate for them?" Well, we should advocate for them, too. And it is true that there is great need in our own communities as well. As a family who has adopted internationally and is a foster parent, I can see the great need both places. However, it is also true that the damage done in the horrific conditions in many international orphanages/institutions can sometimes make the US foster system look luxurious. We all have different callings and I think our energy is better spent supporting those who are getting involved with kids in need than criticizing the how or where it happens. Kids need help- kids in our backyards and kids around the world.

I think often our biggest issue (me included) is our fear of doing something uncomfortable, messy or out of our control. I know lots of people also use the fear of how adoption/fostering might impact their current children. This fear is one we have discussed often as foster parents. However, I believe God calls us to things sometimes that require my whole family to sacrifice. We are all learning a lot and I can see God molding my boys and teaching them compassion and selflessness as we as a family serve. Some days they throw fits and I know it is because they are jealous or didn't get as much attention as they wanted in a certain moment, but we are ok. I don't want my fear to cause us to miss out on some incredible blessings!

Like I said, way too much to say for a FB post today.

Another post coming with some updates on our family's story for anyone interested...